Ultrasound day

Sigh... cry... sigh... I can honestly say today didn't go as planned. The kiddos, dad, and I packed in the car and headed to Circle of Life. The kiddos played on their indoor playground while I checked in and got all registered. Dr. Alejo visited with us, and then it was ultrasound time.... Gestastional sac.... check... yolk sac, none. baby--nobaby...... Dr. Alejo checked again... Still no yolk sac, and no baby. Numb, I felt numb. Shocked. I didn't know what to think. He commented it might just be too early. But to come back in a week and see what's going on. I just feel so numb. I don't know whether to cry or be hopeful. I am sad, but still want to be hopeful. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to feel..... I'm numb. I don't feel like talking, I don't feel like anything. I ache, but I still want to be hopeful. I'm just numb. So for now, and in this moment,nobody knows but dad and I. The other kiddos are too little to fully understand what is going on. I just feel numb. I pray this week will go by fast....New Ultrasound on Monday will confirm if there is no baby, and what we need to do to terminate... or will tell us if there is a viable baby.

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/diagnosingpregnancyloss/f/noyolksac.htm


My heart is just so heavy... Yesterday daddy and I were talking about names... Hudson, Malia, Alana.... Lots of girl names and only 1 boy name... and today now the thought of you not being there, nor having ever been there... is so painful. I'm trying to be optimistic becuase like Dr. Alejo said it could just be too early to see anything (the internet confirmed this fact). But, in the mean time my heart hurts. I hope I can somehow find my happy face for this week, and can be a good mom to the three I have.... I'll really have to pray for extra patience, extra love, extra guidance this week. Maybe even a blessing. I hurt. Just to many unknowns... cry, cry, cry....