Sigh...

I'm having a 'poor me' day.....It's really quite dumb, I know. But it is what it is.. maybe it was just the whole 'church' thing, and people still asking if I'm okay, people that I had no idea that even knew we were expecting. I guess it's one thing to talk about it to those who 'knew', but to get apologize from people who it's like 'how in the crap do you know this information?' it bugs.. stupid I know, because they are just concerned..But I'm also bugged that people keep giving me their 'phylosophy's' meaning.. meaning pertaining to 'if I'll raise this baby in the next life' OR 'it's just your next baby saying I'm not ready to come to earth yet'--- I mean, who are you to give me GOSPEL advice... the scriptures say nothing about miscarriages, and if we'll raise those babies, or if this REALLY our NEXT baby but it wasn't time for them yet.. What they get a re-do? It just doesn't make sense to me. I mean I'm okay-- when people who are close to me talk to me about this, but everyone at church-- seriously people I've NEVER talked to before kept offering 'their knowledge' today. When I didn't even know they knew. It bugs. If I'm close to you, and want to talk about it, I will. But if I dont start talking about it, please stop bugging me. I just want things to get back to normal. If 'normal' really exists. I mean this path was a hard path for us.. 1 year to finally see double lines on our pregnancy test, 11 weeks of sickness, and then no reward. It's emotionally draining on a person. And now with all of Jared's fellowship stuff, I just feel so overwhelmed and unsure. It's like a constent stress. Now this might sound like I need to go on meds or something-- but I promise you I am fine. I just feel like this baby was extra-special, and it's something I hold dear to my (still tender) heart. And I just feel like it's being 'thrown out there to the world.' it's difficult for me. It's by far the hardest trial I think I've ever gone through. I mean there is nothing like going to sleep in hopes all of a sudden your baby's heart will start to re-beat, adn then waking up and all hope is gone, and they are gone. You never got to see them, and infact their 'remains' are sent away in a tube to pathology for testing. Something that you love, you wanted so badly is... sent away, taken away, gone. You wake up and there is no turning back, it's over. Your sweet baby is gone. Anywho we got our pathology test back and I was hoping for more information than was given. Simply we found out that 'their was life that was starting to dissenigrate..' well, duh, we knew that?! I was honestly hoping for a little more reasoning. But, it is what it is..... Sigh. It's been a rough day. Dinner, Bath, and Bed. Ready to start a new day.

Happy...

Happy End of 1st trimester sweet baby :). Mommy is glad you are once again whole, perfect. You'll always be perfect in my eyes. Love you and miss you more than you'll ever know. I thought it would start to be getting easier, but I seem to be missing you more and more. I'm glad I'll be able to see you again someday. The gospel brings me joy, and brings peace to my heart. Love you angel :)

Tender

I'm having a tender moment... I miss you angel baby. It's been so hard for me to go back and tell all those we love, that you are no longer with us. It hurts. It stings. But I'm trying to be strong. Someone mentioned the other day, 'there are alot of us out there who have gone through the same thing. Welcome to the club.' Well quite honestly, this is CLUB I never imagined joining, but so many out there who have gone through this nightmare-of-an-experiance. Lexi is still telling people 'there's a baby in my mommy's tummy.' So I finally had to sit down with her and really explain that our baby is back with Jesus, no baby in mommy's tummy. It hurt to have to do something like that, it really hurt. It makes me cry. I have officially put all my pregnancy clothes back away, and have taken down your ultrasound pictures from our fridge. It's not that I want to forget about you, I just need time to heal. Each hour changes-- some hours I'm fine and can talk about it, other moments I can't help but kiss your sweet pictures. I wish more than anything I could have found out your gender... Guess that will have til the eternities. Til then know I dream of you, I'm glad I could be your mommy for the few short weeks. Love you sweetbaby :), love you to the moon and back :)

This just can't be happening....

I'm writing this purely for my own documention... to be apart of our family journal.Some day things just don't go as planned.... And you find yourself quickly on a rollercoaster of emotions... Today was one of those.. First off let me back up. For the last year, I've dreamt of holding a sweet new baby, one to call my own. Then on April 22, after almost a year of trying, we got a postive pregnancy test. We were having a baby, and JOY overcame me. I was beyond excited, beyond grateful, and just oh-so ready to hold my sweet little baby in my arms, so kiss him/her, to hold them, to love them, to snuggle them in the wee hours of the night.Then trials started to happen (5weeks)... First trial, I thought I had contracted 5ths disease. A VERY serious disease for pregnant women. Blood tests were taken, and results came back... I was immune! Meaning our baby would be just fine..Trial number 2(6 weeks)-- went in for our six week ultrasound-- and no heart beat.. (Known as blighted ovum). However because it was so early in the pregnancy sometimes baby's aren't able to be seen til 7 weeks. So our OBgyn asked us to wait a week before we took the necessary steps to 'clean out' as my body had not yet done so. So we waited...A week later(7weeks)-- we went back, kiddos were in Idaho, as we thought things would need to be taken care of that day. To our surprise-- a growing little baby was there, heart just a beating!!!! Alive and measuring right on track...Trial 3 (11 weeks)-- appointment at 9 am with ob. Since we saw a beating heart last time, we took the kiddos with us so they could see their baby brother/sister.... We are all so excited to see our sweet baby!!!Ultrasound started-- and NO heart beat. My heart sinks, and I shed a tear. I look over at my sweet husband whose eyes are full of water too... Doctor measures baby 9 weeks. I'm suppose to be 11. He tells me he was to do an internal ultrasound, he leaves the room and I change. I ask everyone to say a prayer, the kiddos pray. He comes back in... And we re-look at the ultrasound screen... Same results... No heart beat, and the baby has passed away nearly 2 weeks ago..... I sob, and sob. Mikey understands what is happening, and begins to cry too. We are then moved into another room where an ultrasound tech looks, for a second opinion, same thing... Upon her ultrasound though she can tell of our sweet baby's abnormalities, and we could see them on the screen too. The kind where even if we had carried full term, he/she just wouldn't have been compatible with life. He/She needed nothing more than to return to the loving arms of our Savior, so they could be healed of their physical abnormalities.Since my body hasn't yet shown a single sign of this devistating news, we decided to take the necessary medical treatments to let things be taken care of. I can't believe it... My heart is so tender. Yet so thankful I was able to be your mom for this short amount of time. I can't wait to hold you, and love you in heaven. 'Til we meet sweet 'Kam baby 4' again, please know you forever changed my life. I'll never forget you ,and I will always ALWAYS always Love you dear angel baby!** So during our first ultrasound it showed just severe brain abnormalities, your sweet brain had this huge buldge that was visibly noticeable...I've learned a few more things I just wanted to document. Before we had things taken care of on tuesday... I learned that your sweet lungs ,belly, and brain were swollen. Possibly meaning our blood types weren't the same.... Which could have been another cause. Just so many little things-- so I just wanted to tell you sweet baby, I don't know the pain you were in, but I'm glad you are freed from it now. I'm glad your sweet little body is now perfect, that you have returned to heaven to be healed. Our saviour is the master healer, and only he could have made you perfect again. You'll always be my angel-baby. Thankyou for allowing me to be your mommy, you are perfect in my eyes :). Miss you, doesn't even touch what I really feel, I ache and long for you... I wanted so bad to be able to just see you for a moment, but it's just not medically fesable... which I understand. Just know until we meet again, that I dream of you. Thankyou for fighting, and doing all you could. I'm proud of you little one, oh-so proud, and oh-so in love with you! Thank you for sharing your sweet life with me.