9 weeks in, and 9 weeks gone....

Today marks the day... That you've been gone just as long as you were with me... I SO wish I was still pregnant with you. But, I know your mission is complete, you have FOREVER changed me. I still love looking at your ultrasound pictures. I'm glad I was your mommy. Love you angel baby!

Sigh...

I'm having a 'poor me' day.....It's really quite dumb, I know. But it is what it is.. maybe it was just the whole 'church' thing, and people still asking if I'm okay, people that I had no idea that even knew we were expecting. I guess it's one thing to talk about it to those who 'knew', but to get apologize from people who it's like 'how in the crap do you know this information?' it bugs.. stupid I know, because they are just concerned..But I'm also bugged that people keep giving me their 'phylosophy's' meaning.. meaning pertaining to 'if I'll raise this baby in the next life' OR 'it's just your next baby saying I'm not ready to come to earth yet'--- I mean, who are you to give me GOSPEL advice... the scriptures say nothing about miscarriages, and if we'll raise those babies, or if this REALLY our NEXT baby but it wasn't time for them yet.. What they get a re-do? It just doesn't make sense to me. I mean I'm okay-- when people who are close to me talk to me about this, but everyone at church-- seriously people I've NEVER talked to before kept offering 'their knowledge' today. When I didn't even know they knew. It bugs. If I'm close to you, and want to talk about it, I will. But if I dont start talking about it, please stop bugging me. I just want things to get back to normal. If 'normal' really exists. I mean this path was a hard path for us.. 1 year to finally see double lines on our pregnancy test, 11 weeks of sickness, and then no reward. It's emotionally draining on a person. And now with all of Jared's fellowship stuff, I just feel so overwhelmed and unsure. It's like a constent stress. Now this might sound like I need to go on meds or something-- but I promise you I am fine. I just feel like this baby was extra-special, and it's something I hold dear to my (still tender) heart. And I just feel like it's being 'thrown out there to the world.' it's difficult for me. It's by far the hardest trial I think I've ever gone through. I mean there is nothing like going to sleep in hopes all of a sudden your baby's heart will start to re-beat, adn then waking up and all hope is gone, and they are gone. You never got to see them, and infact their 'remains' are sent away in a tube to pathology for testing. Something that you love, you wanted so badly is... sent away, taken away, gone. You wake up and there is no turning back, it's over. Your sweet baby is gone. Anywho we got our pathology test back and I was hoping for more information than was given. Simply we found out that 'their was life that was starting to dissenigrate..' well, duh, we knew that?! I was honestly hoping for a little more reasoning. But, it is what it is..... Sigh. It's been a rough day. Dinner, Bath, and Bed. Ready to start a new day.

Happy...

Happy End of 1st trimester sweet baby :). Mommy is glad you are once again whole, perfect. You'll always be perfect in my eyes. Love you and miss you more than you'll ever know. I thought it would start to be getting easier, but I seem to be missing you more and more. I'm glad I'll be able to see you again someday. The gospel brings me joy, and brings peace to my heart. Love you angel :)

Tender

I'm having a tender moment... I miss you angel baby. It's been so hard for me to go back and tell all those we love, that you are no longer with us. It hurts. It stings. But I'm trying to be strong. Someone mentioned the other day, 'there are alot of us out there who have gone through the same thing. Welcome to the club.' Well quite honestly, this is CLUB I never imagined joining, but so many out there who have gone through this nightmare-of-an-experiance. Lexi is still telling people 'there's a baby in my mommy's tummy.' So I finally had to sit down with her and really explain that our baby is back with Jesus, no baby in mommy's tummy. It hurt to have to do something like that, it really hurt. It makes me cry. I have officially put all my pregnancy clothes back away, and have taken down your ultrasound pictures from our fridge. It's not that I want to forget about you, I just need time to heal. Each hour changes-- some hours I'm fine and can talk about it, other moments I can't help but kiss your sweet pictures. I wish more than anything I could have found out your gender... Guess that will have til the eternities. Til then know I dream of you, I'm glad I could be your mommy for the few short weeks. Love you sweetbaby :), love you to the moon and back :)

This just can't be happening....

I'm writing this purely for my own documention... to be apart of our family journal.Some day things just don't go as planned.... And you find yourself quickly on a rollercoaster of emotions... Today was one of those.. First off let me back up. For the last year, I've dreamt of holding a sweet new baby, one to call my own. Then on April 22, after almost a year of trying, we got a postive pregnancy test. We were having a baby, and JOY overcame me. I was beyond excited, beyond grateful, and just oh-so ready to hold my sweet little baby in my arms, so kiss him/her, to hold them, to love them, to snuggle them in the wee hours of the night.Then trials started to happen (5weeks)... First trial, I thought I had contracted 5ths disease. A VERY serious disease for pregnant women. Blood tests were taken, and results came back... I was immune! Meaning our baby would be just fine..Trial number 2(6 weeks)-- went in for our six week ultrasound-- and no heart beat.. (Known as blighted ovum). However because it was so early in the pregnancy sometimes baby's aren't able to be seen til 7 weeks. So our OBgyn asked us to wait a week before we took the necessary steps to 'clean out' as my body had not yet done so. So we waited...A week later(7weeks)-- we went back, kiddos were in Idaho, as we thought things would need to be taken care of that day. To our surprise-- a growing little baby was there, heart just a beating!!!! Alive and measuring right on track...Trial 3 (11 weeks)-- appointment at 9 am with ob. Since we saw a beating heart last time, we took the kiddos with us so they could see their baby brother/sister.... We are all so excited to see our sweet baby!!!Ultrasound started-- and NO heart beat. My heart sinks, and I shed a tear. I look over at my sweet husband whose eyes are full of water too... Doctor measures baby 9 weeks. I'm suppose to be 11. He tells me he was to do an internal ultrasound, he leaves the room and I change. I ask everyone to say a prayer, the kiddos pray. He comes back in... And we re-look at the ultrasound screen... Same results... No heart beat, and the baby has passed away nearly 2 weeks ago..... I sob, and sob. Mikey understands what is happening, and begins to cry too. We are then moved into another room where an ultrasound tech looks, for a second opinion, same thing... Upon her ultrasound though she can tell of our sweet baby's abnormalities, and we could see them on the screen too. The kind where even if we had carried full term, he/she just wouldn't have been compatible with life. He/She needed nothing more than to return to the loving arms of our Savior, so they could be healed of their physical abnormalities.Since my body hasn't yet shown a single sign of this devistating news, we decided to take the necessary medical treatments to let things be taken care of. I can't believe it... My heart is so tender. Yet so thankful I was able to be your mom for this short amount of time. I can't wait to hold you, and love you in heaven. 'Til we meet sweet 'Kam baby 4' again, please know you forever changed my life. I'll never forget you ,and I will always ALWAYS always Love you dear angel baby!** So during our first ultrasound it showed just severe brain abnormalities, your sweet brain had this huge buldge that was visibly noticeable...I've learned a few more things I just wanted to document. Before we had things taken care of on tuesday... I learned that your sweet lungs ,belly, and brain were swollen. Possibly meaning our blood types weren't the same.... Which could have been another cause. Just so many little things-- so I just wanted to tell you sweet baby, I don't know the pain you were in, but I'm glad you are freed from it now. I'm glad your sweet little body is now perfect, that you have returned to heaven to be healed. Our saviour is the master healer, and only he could have made you perfect again. You'll always be my angel-baby. Thankyou for allowing me to be your mommy, you are perfect in my eyes :). Miss you, doesn't even touch what I really feel, I ache and long for you... I wanted so bad to be able to just see you for a moment, but it's just not medically fesable... which I understand. Just know until we meet again, that I dream of you. Thankyou for fighting, and doing all you could. I'm proud of you little one, oh-so proud, and oh-so in love with you! Thank you for sharing your sweet life with me.

Oh so sick...

Dear baby, Mommy is so very sick, and so very tired... It is all so worth it though. The thought of you growing healthy and strong, makes it worth it. I hope the next 32 weeks just fly by. I'm so excited to hold you, to show you to Mike, Lando', Lexi, and Daddy. You are already loved by so many angel baby. I love you sweet baby. In the meantime, while we wait, I pray I get feeling better soon so that I'm able to keep doing all the 'mommy-stuff' I need to. It's really hard taking care of the other 3, when I'm so tired and so sick. I pray for patience on everyone's part. It's hard for me, it's hard for daddy, it's hard for your brothers and sister. I'm just sick, and moving extra slow (or moving at all). Like I said though, worth it :)

Ultrasound picture

Today I woke up and looked at your ultrasound picture, I smiled and felt happy tears coming to the surface. I can't wait to show the picture to Mike, Lando and Lexi. You are indeed a miracle baby, already giving us 2 scares, yet continuing to fight for life :). Maybe your hawaiian name will have something about a 'fighter' in it... I love you baby. I'm so excited you decided to come to our family. I feel so blessed. I love love love you little one! AS for now, mommy slurping down a yummy fruit smoothie, so you'll have lots of good nutrients to keep you growing healthy and strong!

Ultrasound TAKE 2

Today was our second ultrasound.... the ultrasound to confirm that nothing was there. However, a miracle happened. A tender mercy from our heavenly father. The Dr looked around for a few seconds... nothing, then he tilted the ultrasound just a little and there you were, your sweet little heart just a beating. I was in 'happy' shock, and daddy cried happy tears. What a blessing it is/was to see your sweet little healthy heart just a beating away. You had already began to form. We had told everyone we didn't think you would be there, but instead you surprised us. A wise woman last week said 'maybe monday there will be a nice little surprise waiting for you.' And today there you were. I am so happy, so happy. I feel so blessed. I'll scan the ultrasound pictures as soon as I can. For now, because we didn't expect things to go the way they did-- Mike, Landon, and Lexi are all in Idaho, I am going to hit the hay and take a little nap. I feel so blessed, I am so grateful for the love, support, phone calls, texts, facebook messages, that i recieved this week. It was indeed the most emotionally challenging week for me-- only to end with a smile :). So happy! Love you angel baby :) **Also, we were measuring right on track. 7 weeks-- due Jan 30 2012 :).

Dearest Baby....

I never imagined I'd say goodbye, before even saying hello. Today I miss you. But the thought of you being wrapped in the love of our savior's arms, brings me happiness. I'm grateful I was able to be your mommy :) Til we meet angel baby, know mommy loves you!!!

** We don't know this for sure, but Jared and I are both positive you have returned to heaven. The body signals have started to tell me this is what happened..Monday we find out for sure. Love you angel baby :)


For the rest of the world... and for documentation.. here's what happened...
** The last question asked in this article is "What about another" And I know many of you are curious. I appreciate your love... but wanted to let you know, it's been an emotional year trying to concieve, and this experiance has forever changed me... So with that, I need some 'normal' time for awhile.. and I (with the loving support of Jared) have decided to wait awhile. To enjoy our 3, and then see where life takes us. So for now, we are putting it off for a bit. I know there are many opinions on this, but this is what we feel is best for our family.

Thank you again for your love and support you have shown to us during this experience.

Blighted Ovum

A blighted ovum is a condition in which the fertilized egg simply does not develop into an embryo. It will result in miscarriage. It has stopped developing very early on or it may just never form at all. In either case, your body doesn't realize this and continues to prepare for the baby. In fact, if you have a blighted ovum, you are still likely to test positive during a pregnancy test.

Many women will experience symptoms of pregnancy such as sore breasts, nausea, and feeling tired. This is because the placenta has begun to develop. Increased levels of hormones are present in the body and usually will not reside for a few months up to the third month.

Then What?

When in fact you do have a blighted ovum, your body will realize this and begin to recede in development. You may or may not find a reddish brown staining. You can bleed and have cramps. Cramps that are very strong should be brought up to the doctor.

How Will The Doctor Know?

If you have these signs early on in your pregnancy, the doctor will perform a physical. If he can not find the baby's heartbeat, he will request an ultrasound to be done. It will then show an empty gestational sac.

At this point, you are likely to miscarry. Your body will handle it naturally but if you are in any danger of infection, heavy bleeding or other conditions, the doctor can perform a procedure to remove the sac.

One of the most difficult aspects of the blighted ovum is the emotional loss that you will endure. Counseling should be sought.

What About Another?

In most cases, there is no reason that you can not try to conceive again. You will likely have a normal period within four to six weeks of the miscarriage. Some doctors will say it is okay to try to conceive at this point while others tell you to wait another cycle.

Baby

Today I feel...I feel weak, exhausted, and really tired. The morning pukes were there, which I'm going to say is a hopeful thing. I just feel crampy too, which isn't good. Still not sure what to feel. Sigh, I think I might go crawl back into bed.... Jared got the kids breakfast this morning, and they are now in the kitchen making their own 'cheese tacos' I feel like a bad mom. I'm just drained emotionally and physically.... Dad sent me a nice text message saying he was praying for us today. It meant alot. I'm just exhausted....

Ultrasound day

Sigh... cry... sigh... I can honestly say today didn't go as planned. The kiddos, dad, and I packed in the car and headed to Circle of Life. The kiddos played on their indoor playground while I checked in and got all registered. Dr. Alejo visited with us, and then it was ultrasound time.... Gestastional sac.... check... yolk sac, none. baby--nobaby...... Dr. Alejo checked again... Still no yolk sac, and no baby. Numb, I felt numb. Shocked. I didn't know what to think. He commented it might just be too early. But to come back in a week and see what's going on. I just feel so numb. I don't know whether to cry or be hopeful. I am sad, but still want to be hopeful. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to feel..... I'm numb. I don't feel like talking, I don't feel like anything. I ache, but I still want to be hopeful. I'm just numb. So for now, and in this moment,nobody knows but dad and I. The other kiddos are too little to fully understand what is going on. I just feel numb. I pray this week will go by fast....New Ultrasound on Monday will confirm if there is no baby, and what we need to do to terminate... or will tell us if there is a viable baby.

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/diagnosingpregnancyloss/f/noyolksac.htm


My heart is just so heavy... Yesterday daddy and I were talking about names... Hudson, Malia, Alana.... Lots of girl names and only 1 boy name... and today now the thought of you not being there, nor having ever been there... is so painful. I'm trying to be optimistic becuase like Dr. Alejo said it could just be too early to see anything (the internet confirmed this fact). But, in the mean time my heart hurts. I hope I can somehow find my happy face for this week, and can be a good mom to the three I have.... I'll really have to pray for extra patience, extra love, extra guidance this week. Maybe even a blessing. I hurt. Just to many unknowns... cry, cry, cry....

A little sick and tired.....

This pregnancy so far has been SO different. With Michael and Lexi, at this stage in my pregnancy would be the time where I would be carrying around my trusty 'barf bucket'. Man, I was so sick. With Landon, I was just really tired... which worked out well since Mike was so little and taking two naps a day, I could nap right along with him.... This time around... the kiddos are older, and even sneaking in a 'quiet time' is difficult. But I make them watch a movie EVERYday after lunch, as by lunch time my eyes are so heavy... I seriously can't make it through the day without a nap. Thankfully they are all willing to watch a movie, so I can lie on the couch for a minute... I'm just oh-so-tired this time! As far as sickness, it hasn't been to bad. I have HUGES waves of nausea... but have only had to use 'the bucket' one time, which is nice... I feel like I've already 'popped' must be the 4th kid? And everything is 'pre-stretched out!' And I seem to have already gained 6lbs... yah, like a pound a week that you've been in there... So I know I need to make sure I keep up with my running, and maybe watch better what I eat. Since Dad and I will be running a 5k together on the 4th of July :). Love you angel baby, and can't wait to see you on ultrasound tomorrow. I almost feel like it's christmas, as we've waited and hoped for you for such a long time! :)

Another week

Another week has gone by, and I think about you everyday. I honestly can't wait to just snuggle you! How grateful I am that you are growing and growing, probably about 1/3 of an inch now :). So tiny, so precious, so loved. Our first apt with Dr. Alejo is on Monday, I can't wait to see you on the ultrasound. I look forward to seeing your healthy beating heart! :) Love you angel :)

Lab results

Daddy just looked and our lab results were finally in! Conclusion...... mommy has been previously exposed to 5th's disease, and most likely immune! AND it didn't show that I had recently been exposed. (Crying happy tears).... You are going to be okay sweet angel of mine :). I'm so grateful for those who put our names in the temple, and for daddy giving us a blessing. The power of the priesthood is real, and miracles happen.

Today I also filled out our paperwork for circle of Life. I'm so excited to go there, and to be able to see you each time! I can't wait to hold you in my arms, to love you, to kiss you, to snuggle you, to rock you to sleep, to feed you, to watch you grow. I'm so excited to be your mommy, little one. Love you!!!!

Worried for you...

Dear baby,
Mommy is a little worried for you today. My heart is uneasy. A couple of weeks ago some kids in the ward contracted 5th's disease. A harmless viral infection that makes ones' cheeks look as though they have been 'slapped' and have a rash on them. So red with rash. On thursday Michael had a rash, so I took him to daddy at work before sending him off to school. It looked like an allergic reaction so we sent mike to school. Friday he woke up and it was ALOT worse the rash and 'slapped cheek' look was there. For him, no big deal. But for me and you, it could be serious. See 5th's disease is only harmful in those that are pregnant... here's why. (Information from babycenter)

"If you're not immune and you contract the virus during pregnancy, your baby will most likely be fine. There's about a 1 in 3 chance that parvovirus will be passed through the placenta to a baby, but even among these babies, the vast majority do well and have no problems or signs of infection.

Unfortunately, though, in a relatively small percentage of cases, parvovirus infection during pregnancy can lead to miscarriage, stillbirth, severe fetal anemia (leading to a serious condition called "hydrops fetalis"), and sometimes inflammation of the heart muscle. About 11 percent of moms-to-be who become infected before 20 weeks will end up losing their babies, although the loss may not happen for several weeks to a few months after the initial infection. Babies whose mothers get infected after mid-pregnancy rarely have problems from the infection."

See sweet baby, mommy is scared. Scared something might go wrong. Friday, we went and got mommy's blood tested to see if I was immune. And now on saturday, the lab still hasn't gotten to my labs yet. My heart feels uneasy. Friday night we went to the temple though, as Ariell took out her endowments. Our names were put on the prayer roll. On saturday morning Daddy gave us a priesthood blessing. He reminded mommy to listen to the holy ghost, and that you would grow and develop. But not with out trials and challenges, so to take courage. I love you baby and I hope the best for you. Mommy is just worried for you, because I love you so much already.

Daddy did mention today though, that he feels like Mikey might not have 5th's disease as he didn't fit 'all of the criteria.' This brought me hope. I feel bad for Michael right now, as he's having to stay away from me. When we first told him you needed to try and stay back away from us, he cried. He loves you too. Landon loves you, Lexi loves you. We love you angel baby. :) Mommy will keep praying for us. Please continue to grow and develop, that you might enjoy life to the fullest. For now, I will wait for the blood test results, with hope and faith.

Dear baby

Today was a beautiful day. I decided to go ahead and go with Circle of Life, for our prenatal care. Daddy mentioned he had been working with Dr. Alejo, and liked him. So that's who I made our apt with. Cool thing about him, is that he is Hawaiian, and went to the Medical school in Hawaii. It will be fun to see if he has any fun stories for us. :) Another reason why I choose to go to Circle of Life is because EVERY time you go you get an ultrasound, which is SO exciting for me! Our first apt is June 6 at 9:40. This time I probably won't take your brother's and sisters as they said there will be extra paperwork, and labs, and such. But hopefully they'll give us a picture or something so I can bring it home to show them. Your brothers have already started praying for you, and wonder when you'll get bigger (ie. mommy get fat). Our family is so excited to meet you... but happy to wait until Jan. Love you sweet angel :)

Telling your brothers and sister

Yesterday I couldn't contain my excitement from your brothers and sister anymore. So I mentioned to dad, let's just tell them. We gathered you all in the living room. Dad told them we had a surprise for them. Everyone wanted to know what kind of surprise, and then dad turned it over to me. I then told them 'There is a baby in mom's tummy. He/she is very very small, and we can't see him yet. But soon, mommy's tummy is going to grow bigger and bigger. And in a few weeks you might see mommy sick, and I might be extra tired, so I'm going to need lots of help.' Then daddy said 'Lexi you are going to be a big sister.' EVERYONE was beeming with excitement. Michael wanted to choose a name right then... he wanted to call you Max. But mommy said that's something we'll have to talk about when we find out if it's a boy or girl. Then we let them guess what gender you are. Michael guessed a girl (yep boy name, but girl guess!), he said that way we'd have 3 boys and 3 girls in our family. Landon guessed a boy, and Lexi guessed a baby-brother. They were all so happy, and their faces just beemed with excitement. I then showed them on the 'baby-ticker' what you look like right now... kind of 'tad-polish' they were very confused, and I reassured them you will grow into a healthy baby, that looks like a baby, not a tad-pole...lol. :) I feel so blessed, and am so grateful for you dear baby. Right now we are in the process of trying to decide which doctor to go to, and just clarifying all of our insurance stuff so we'll be ready for you to come! I love you sweet baby, I love you!

Excitement

I can hardly believe it! WE are expecting!!!! The past ten months we have hoped for you, we have longed for you. We prayed for you, we fasted for you, we went to the temple for in hopes we could have you! And a few days ago we found out we were expecting you! I'm SO grateful, and excited, and just so full of pure joy that you will be joining our family! I love you so much sweet baby, I can't wait for the next 9 months to go by, so I can hold you, and love you, and call you mine forever. I love you number 4 :).

To back up just a little here is how we found out we knew you were on your way. On May 19, daddy was on-call at work, and mommy decided to take a test. The line wasn't there at all, so mommy went into 'maybe-next month mode'. I then took Michael to Kindergarten, and got a few things ready for the day. After running the morning errands, I came back to look at the test again, and there was a another FAINT (I almost wondered if I was imagining it) line next to the control line... since it had been after 10minutes (you aren't suppose to count the test valid if read after ten minutes). I sent daddy a text saying "I think we are prego". He called back and we chatted. Daddy was a little skeptical and didn't want to get mommy's hopes up too high. So we took another test later and sure enough another faint line. To be 100% positive though, we decided to be tested at daddy's work the next day, and then we knew for sure.... baby number 4 is on his/her way! I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I'm so excited. I'm thinking we are due Last week in Jan or first week in feb. Perfect timing! Daddy will have just gone through his interviews and the fellowship match, I'll have time to enjoy your new born stage, and mommy will have time to re-gain her strength before we move for daddy's fellowship.
For now though it's a secret.... want to be done with first trimester before the 'news' gets out. Plus with your brothers and sister, being old enough to understand we want them to know first :). I love you sweet baby. I'm so excited to be your mommy!