Sigh...

I'm having a 'poor me' day.....It's really quite dumb, I know. But it is what it is.. maybe it was just the whole 'church' thing, and people still asking if I'm okay, people that I had no idea that even knew we were expecting. I guess it's one thing to talk about it to those who 'knew', but to get apologize from people who it's like 'how in the crap do you know this information?' it bugs.. stupid I know, because they are just concerned..But I'm also bugged that people keep giving me their 'phylosophy's' meaning.. meaning pertaining to 'if I'll raise this baby in the next life' OR 'it's just your next baby saying I'm not ready to come to earth yet'--- I mean, who are you to give me GOSPEL advice... the scriptures say nothing about miscarriages, and if we'll raise those babies, or if this REALLY our NEXT baby but it wasn't time for them yet.. What they get a re-do? It just doesn't make sense to me. I mean I'm okay-- when people who are close to me talk to me about this, but everyone at church-- seriously people I've NEVER talked to before kept offering 'their knowledge' today. When I didn't even know they knew. It bugs. If I'm close to you, and want to talk about it, I will. But if I dont start talking about it, please stop bugging me. I just want things to get back to normal. If 'normal' really exists. I mean this path was a hard path for us.. 1 year to finally see double lines on our pregnancy test, 11 weeks of sickness, and then no reward. It's emotionally draining on a person. And now with all of Jared's fellowship stuff, I just feel so overwhelmed and unsure. It's like a constent stress. Now this might sound like I need to go on meds or something-- but I promise you I am fine. I just feel like this baby was extra-special, and it's something I hold dear to my (still tender) heart. And I just feel like it's being 'thrown out there to the world.' it's difficult for me. It's by far the hardest trial I think I've ever gone through. I mean there is nothing like going to sleep in hopes all of a sudden your baby's heart will start to re-beat, adn then waking up and all hope is gone, and they are gone. You never got to see them, and infact their 'remains' are sent away in a tube to pathology for testing. Something that you love, you wanted so badly is... sent away, taken away, gone. You wake up and there is no turning back, it's over. Your sweet baby is gone. Anywho we got our pathology test back and I was hoping for more information than was given. Simply we found out that 'their was life that was starting to dissenigrate..' well, duh, we knew that?! I was honestly hoping for a little more reasoning. But, it is what it is..... Sigh. It's been a rough day. Dinner, Bath, and Bed. Ready to start a new day.